I was recently asked what my investment strategy was in this volatile market environment.  My response, “the element of surprise and overwhelming violence.”

I love how, once every four years, people in the US suddenly care about swimming.  Other than the Olympics, I’ve never seen a swimming competition and I’d bet most people haven’t either.  That aside, it is a cool accomplishment to win 8 golds in a row (although 8 world records would have been better).  However, Phelps brings up an interesting question regarding doping and unfair competition.  Given that he’s multiply double-jointed and his arms are too long, at what point do we stop allowing genetic freaks into competition.  For example, would we allow a swimmer who was born with webbed feet and hands to compete?  What about a weightlifter with 4 biceps?  Or a runner born with 3 legs?  Or even a wrestler who was raised by bears?

So I lost my wallet this weekend.  Not only that, but apparently I fell down and hit my jaw so hard that I can no longer bite down fully without some weird grinding noise and blinding pain.  I say “apparently” because I don’t really remember any of this happening.  I do remember waking up to a buddy of mine standing over my bed and wondering if I was OK.  My only response was to ask how he got into my apartment.  (Apparently he crashed on my couch, although I’m not sure why considering he lives only 2 blocks away and his girlfriend is only 1 block away). I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that I’m getting too old for this kind of stuff to be happening.  But, then again, if weren’t getting drunk all the time, what else would I be doing? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

So, about a week ago a homeless man yelled at me.  I was leaving my apartment when he approached, arms swung out.  I preemptively told him I had no money for him at which point he started yelling.  He told me that 1) he wasn’t asking for money; 2) we’re no different; and 3) that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  As I kept walking I started wondering about what he said.  If we weren’t different, then he should not have said I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth because, in my mind, that’s a difference.  Also, if he wasn’t asking for money, what did he want? To talk politics? Finance? The dichotemy between good and evil? Or maybe, since his arms were outstretched, he just wanted a hug.  Unfortunately I’ll never know.

Understand that an investment banker is a salesman.  They serve the exact same purpose as the broker who sold you your home.  They match buyers and sellers (which, actually is a very important and needed function in our economy).  Except, instead of doing it for homes, they do it for companies.  It’s really that simple.  But, even though they know this, they’ll never admit it, and I recommend never bringing it up to one should you meet.  Conversely, don’t bring it up to realtors because they won’t understand it.

As salesman, keep in mind that, according to them, there is ALWAYS room for opportunity in the market.  In a good market, things will stay good.  In a bad market, it’s an opportunity to buy cheaply. (This goes for those of you thinking about investing in private equity as well).  As much as I’d like to say I’m exaggerating, in the last two sentences I’ve described the entire sales strategy upon which all financial markets are based.  I invite you to test me on this.  Ask people you know in finance how they are trying to bring in business.  If, after reading in-between the lines, you can’t see these two strategies, I would be shocked.

So, why does it work if it’s so basic? Simple.  Incentives.  Bankers get paid to do deals.  Private equity companies get all of their day to day income based on fees from managing money and doing deals (carry is a back end bonus), although this argument is admittedly less true with the more established firms.  CEOs get paid more the larger their company and the higher their earnings.  Again, I wish it weren’t this simple, but unfortunately it usually is.

So, I was recently offered to get set up with a girl by a friend of mine (and by friend I mean a female bartender who likes the fact that I tip her well).  The problem is, she told me the name of the person she wanted to set me up with as if I already knew her.  The only person I could come up with was that it was some used looking girl with giant plastic breasts.  Which by itself would be OK except my two very disturbed friends, with expertise in the area, noticed that this girl has some strange scars. 

I’m not terribly comfortable going into more detail except to say I obviously refused the set up, because if she can’t get that right, who knows what else she’d be bad at.

Is it just me, or is it painfully obvious that Edwards is paying that woman to refuse a paternity test so he can offer it and still try to seem like the good guy.  I mean, come on- these journalists can’t dig this type of thing up?

Oh, and come on, a millionaire politician lawyer who looks like him should be able to do better.  But, then again, Bill’s track record wasn’t that good either.

These things suck.  If you’re stupid enough to buy one of these, you probably deserve to be launched into the stratosphere where there’s more than enough ozone to go around. 

As an alternative, get a frickin’ maid and clean your place!

So, as my first movie post,  I just want to let you know that I won’t be waxing philosophic about the themes of the movie or crap like that.  I’ll just tell you how good the movie is and what you should think about it.

Tropic Thunder was one of those movies that was a lot funnier after it was over. You’ll like it just because it will give you a lot of quotes for the future that you can use.  Ben Stiller, as usual, was the weakest link.  Cruise and Downey were actually pretty good.  Oh, and it’s pretty obvious which character Cruise is regardless of what the other reviews say.